The holiday season is here!! I get a tickle in chest just thinking about our first Christmas with Dru. So many firsts already, and the time is flying by. I look at these pictures and wish that he would just stay little forever!
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
Stones in a Field
I have multiple hospital numbers memorized. It feels like every other day I get a call from one of Dru's 8 different doctors with new confusing information, or abnormal test results. You would think I would get used to it. But still every time I answer the phone or open a letter, my stomach drops, my face gets flushed, and I feel like my ears are underwater and I can barely hear anything but my heart thumping. I could have never anticipated how absolutely exhausting it is to care so much about someone. There are days that it makes me physically ache just to look into his sweet, innocent eyes and wonder if he will be ok, or what his life will be. I read this quote a few weeks before Dru was born, but I didn't understand it the way that I now do.
Being a stone in a field seems so beautifully peaceful to me sometimes. Stones don't have to think, or feel. It truly feels exhausting to just be conscious. It has been a rough couple of days. It is hard to have your son be described as having "abnormal" results over and over again. There is something that feels so offensive about that word. Instead of letting my mind run wild, tonight feels like a good night to reflect on what I have learned from being a mother, and specifically what I have learned from Dru's metabolic disease.
1. I have learned what having faith really means.
No one seems to know any hard facts about Dru's condition. It is extremely rare, thus any research is completely lacking. Leaving one doctors office we will feel optimistic, while leaving another's office we will feel completely discouraged. While Dru was in the NICU, during every prayer I said I had the district impression that I needed to "just have faith". It became frustrating and confusing. I felt as though I was being faithful. The problem was I didn't understand what having faith actually meant. "Faith" to me meant I believed that the Lord had the power fix my situation. Leaving the NICU one night after receiving more bad news about Dru's disease, but no real answers about what could be done for him, my heart physically ached. Once again I felt the Holy Ghost whisper to me, "just have faith". Frankly, I was annoyed. I thought about faithful families that I knew that had suffered great loss or tragedy. They exercised faith, but their children still had not recovered, or passed away.
As weeks have passed I have reflected on my naive view of faith. I have come to recognize that having faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ does not mean that you believe that everything will "work out", or even that the Lord will save your from your trials. Having faith is believing that Heavenly Father has a plan for my life and for Dru's life. That plan was not just sloppily thrown together late one night, but rather it has existed since before the world began. Heavenly Father specifically and meticulously designed each day that we have lived and each trial we have and will face. Having faith is believing that although my circumstances feel chaotic and heartbreaking, this is exactly what my Father in Heaven has had planned for me all along. Let me go one step further. Heavenly Father knows everything about me from why I don't like how candy makes my teeth feel, to the temptations that I wrestle with daily. He created me, He knows every single part of me. Therefore, he knows exactly how I need to be both challenged and nurtured to grow.
Every cell in Dru's body was divinely designed. In Heavenly Father's eyes he is not "abnormal", nor is his body deficient or making errors in metabolism. Rather, Dru is exactly as the Lord intended him to be. He does not make mistakes. When I am having a hard day I close my eyes, bow my head and feel my chest burn inside me as the Holy Ghost helps me remember that everything is going exactly according to plan. Although it can feel utterly disconcerting, He is in control and He always has been. Dru was meant to be mine all along, and I was meant to be his. I have faith in the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2. I have learned that comparison is the antithesis of happiness.
Probably the biggest hinderance to my happiness is comparison. I feel bitter for what we have and are going through only when I think of what it would be like if we had the chance to have a "normal" baby birth, delivery, and genetic code. To think of what it would be like to not have to wake my sleeping baby multiple times a night to force-feed him seems like such a luxury. What if we had never received Dru's diagnosis, and I wasn't constantly on the lookout for signs of his body going into metabolic crisis? How incredible would it be to see a shaking limb and have my first thought be that he was just shivering, instead of panicking that he could be having a seizure. But this is our new normal. Do I really want to be a person who can't be happy for other people's successes? What a terrible and ungrateful way to live. I would never trade even one day with my Dru to have a "normal" baby. So much good and even more growth has come from this trial. I am grateful that because of Dru's disease I mindfully soak up every sweet moment with him. It is an absolute blessing to never ever get frustrated with him, no matter how tired I get. It is a blessing that I don't think I would have if I did not have his disease to remind me how precious everyday with him is. I have learned that I am the happiest when I see Heavenly Father's hand in all aspects of my life.
We had to take Dru on an airplane when he was only 3 weeks old and only 6 pounds. It is so important that he does not get sick, or he has to be hospitalized. An airplane is an absolute nightmare for germs. I was panicked. I remember my hands shaking as we walked through security. It felt like the world was intent on destroying my tiny baby and I had no way of defending him. As we boarded the plane and took our seats, I closed my eyes and begged Heavenly Father for comfort and protection. With my eyes still closed, I felt my chest burn and I saw a physical barrier drape over our family. There is no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father was with us on that airplane personally protecting our little Dru. I felt Him there. What an indescribable experience to feel so close and so important to God. Without the challenges we have faced, I would have never had incredible experiences like this one. I would not have had the opportunity to come to know my Savior in such a personal way.
For that, there is no comparison.
3. I have learned that my trails are perfectly tailored to me
What I have felt so strongly, is that Heavenly Father has perfectly tailored this trial for me. I can see how specific aspects of this trial correlate with my greatest weaknesses. I am admittedly not very good at relying on the Lord. I seem to more often say, "Thy will be done… BUT just so you know I have some really good ideas!" This trial is unique because there is literally nothing that I can do to fix it or figure it out. There is little research, little consensus of treatment and very little peace of mind for a worried mother. So I can either choose to walk blind and alone, or choose to walk blind while clinging to and trusting the Savior as he walks beside me.
This trial has taught me to live in the moment and to find "joy in the journey." Right now is perfect. We all have each other and that really is all that we need to be happy. Right now Dru is doing great. He has had no symptoms of his disease and he is growing and getting even cuter everyday. That is absolutely something to be happy about.
I think I will go get Dru out of his crib now so I can snuggle him.
Do we have to be humans forever? Consciousness is exhausted. Back now to inorganic matter. This is what we want. We want to be stones in a field. -- Don DeLillo
1. I have learned what having faith really means.
No one seems to know any hard facts about Dru's condition. It is extremely rare, thus any research is completely lacking. Leaving one doctors office we will feel optimistic, while leaving another's office we will feel completely discouraged. While Dru was in the NICU, during every prayer I said I had the district impression that I needed to "just have faith". It became frustrating and confusing. I felt as though I was being faithful. The problem was I didn't understand what having faith actually meant. "Faith" to me meant I believed that the Lord had the power fix my situation. Leaving the NICU one night after receiving more bad news about Dru's disease, but no real answers about what could be done for him, my heart physically ached. Once again I felt the Holy Ghost whisper to me, "just have faith". Frankly, I was annoyed. I thought about faithful families that I knew that had suffered great loss or tragedy. They exercised faith, but their children still had not recovered, or passed away.
As weeks have passed I have reflected on my naive view of faith. I have come to recognize that having faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ does not mean that you believe that everything will "work out", or even that the Lord will save your from your trials. Having faith is believing that Heavenly Father has a plan for my life and for Dru's life. That plan was not just sloppily thrown together late one night, but rather it has existed since before the world began. Heavenly Father specifically and meticulously designed each day that we have lived and each trial we have and will face. Having faith is believing that although my circumstances feel chaotic and heartbreaking, this is exactly what my Father in Heaven has had planned for me all along. Let me go one step further. Heavenly Father knows everything about me from why I don't like how candy makes my teeth feel, to the temptations that I wrestle with daily. He created me, He knows every single part of me. Therefore, he knows exactly how I need to be both challenged and nurtured to grow.
Every cell in Dru's body was divinely designed. In Heavenly Father's eyes he is not "abnormal", nor is his body deficient or making errors in metabolism. Rather, Dru is exactly as the Lord intended him to be. He does not make mistakes. When I am having a hard day I close my eyes, bow my head and feel my chest burn inside me as the Holy Ghost helps me remember that everything is going exactly according to plan. Although it can feel utterly disconcerting, He is in control and He always has been. Dru was meant to be mine all along, and I was meant to be his. I have faith in the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2. I have learned that comparison is the antithesis of happiness.
Probably the biggest hinderance to my happiness is comparison. I feel bitter for what we have and are going through only when I think of what it would be like if we had the chance to have a "normal" baby birth, delivery, and genetic code. To think of what it would be like to not have to wake my sleeping baby multiple times a night to force-feed him seems like such a luxury. What if we had never received Dru's diagnosis, and I wasn't constantly on the lookout for signs of his body going into metabolic crisis? How incredible would it be to see a shaking limb and have my first thought be that he was just shivering, instead of panicking that he could be having a seizure. But this is our new normal. Do I really want to be a person who can't be happy for other people's successes? What a terrible and ungrateful way to live. I would never trade even one day with my Dru to have a "normal" baby. So much good and even more growth has come from this trial. I am grateful that because of Dru's disease I mindfully soak up every sweet moment with him. It is an absolute blessing to never ever get frustrated with him, no matter how tired I get. It is a blessing that I don't think I would have if I did not have his disease to remind me how precious everyday with him is. I have learned that I am the happiest when I see Heavenly Father's hand in all aspects of my life.
We had to take Dru on an airplane when he was only 3 weeks old and only 6 pounds. It is so important that he does not get sick, or he has to be hospitalized. An airplane is an absolute nightmare for germs. I was panicked. I remember my hands shaking as we walked through security. It felt like the world was intent on destroying my tiny baby and I had no way of defending him. As we boarded the plane and took our seats, I closed my eyes and begged Heavenly Father for comfort and protection. With my eyes still closed, I felt my chest burn and I saw a physical barrier drape over our family. There is no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father was with us on that airplane personally protecting our little Dru. I felt Him there. What an indescribable experience to feel so close and so important to God. Without the challenges we have faced, I would have never had incredible experiences like this one. I would not have had the opportunity to come to know my Savior in such a personal way.
For that, there is no comparison.
3. I have learned that my trails are perfectly tailored to me
What I have felt so strongly, is that Heavenly Father has perfectly tailored this trial for me. I can see how specific aspects of this trial correlate with my greatest weaknesses. I am admittedly not very good at relying on the Lord. I seem to more often say, "Thy will be done… BUT just so you know I have some really good ideas!" This trial is unique because there is literally nothing that I can do to fix it or figure it out. There is little research, little consensus of treatment and very little peace of mind for a worried mother. So I can either choose to walk blind and alone, or choose to walk blind while clinging to and trusting the Savior as he walks beside me.
This trial has taught me to live in the moment and to find "joy in the journey." Right now is perfect. We all have each other and that really is all that we need to be happy. Right now Dru is doing great. He has had no symptoms of his disease and he is growing and getting even cuter everyday. That is absolutely something to be happy about.
I think I will go get Dru out of his crib now so I can snuggle him.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Tonight
The house is quiet. I feel like I need to write this down before my heart explodes. I am laying here in bed snuggling with my sweet Dru. I stroke his hair and kiss his head. My lips quiver and my eyes well up with tears as I feel his forehead wrinkle while his eyes try to look up at me. I am grateful. I am grateful that he gets to know me as his mom. That I will be here to watch him grow. That I get to know him, love him, and soak up this joy everyday of my life. We look in each other's eyes and I can't help but cry while saying the truest most grateful prayer to my Heavenly Father for this moment, and for all the moments I will have to look into my son's eyes. "Thank You" has never seemed so inadequate.
Tonight I made the mistake of researching HELLP syndrome. I wanted to know how likely it would be for it to happen to me again if I ever was brave enough to have another baby. Instead of finding anything comforting, I read dozens of stories of women who didn't survive the syndrome. Strokes, seizures, brain bleeds, just awful outcomes. My stomach dropped as I read stories so similar to mine. The only difference, my body eventually recovered. I am alive. I get to be a mom to my little boy.
Because of Dru's metabolic enzyme deficiency he has to eat every 3 hours for his entire life. Which means only 2ish hours of sleep at a time for years and years to come. I have surprisingly never gotten frustrated with this schedule or with my baby. It's hard to hear about others, who had their babies at around the same time, talk about how their baby slept through the night. Or to watch as friends are in and out of the hospital with a perfectly healthy baby in a matter of days. How easy that seems. But instead of being bitter, I have to think that I would never trade in my perfect baby to have all of these struggles taken away. I honestly love to wake up and kiss Dru's sweet little cheeks every 3 hours. I am exhausted, but I am so happy.
I can honestly say I have loved and soaked up every divine moment with my little boy. I can't ever hold it together when I think about what could have happened if we had waited one more day to go into the Emergency Room. Would he have only known me through the words David told him? Would he have grown up never feeling or seeing how much I just absolutely adore him? When I think about him without me, or me without him, it makes my heart ache with the knot that throbs inside.I hope I can always remember how lucky I am to have the chance to be with my little boy everyday and every night. For now, it is easy to love and enjoy everyday. I have always been told how "hard" motherhood is. Perhaps that feeling will come. But to know how close I was to never getting to experience any of these sweet sacred moments, that is not the way I would describe it. He gets to feel the warmth of my skin, the adoration in my kiss, and my awful singing voice every three hours. What I blessing that is. What a blessing he is.
Tonight I look at him and he looks at me. The world is quiet. We have each other. Instead of worrying about the future, I am grateful for right now. Because right now is perfect.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
This is more of a journal entry for me. Although it probably sounds more like a labor horror story to most people, I want to always remember what happened and how I felt throughout these crazy weeks.
Sunday, May 4th
34 weeks, 4 days pregnant. Last belly picture, taken 1 week before Dru was born.
Monday, May 5th
I left work early for a doctor's appointment, which lasted only 10 minutes. My blood pressure was 113/74, and everything in my pregnancy was going smoothly. After the appointment David and I went to the gym, I ran my usual 3 miles and was feeling great.
Friday, May 9th
Totally out of the blue my legs, ankles, feet, arms, hands, and face were all completely swollen. Even the day before I had absolutely no swelling.
I had always heard that swelling was normal during pregnancy, so being that I was 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I figured I should just be grateful I only had to deal with it for a month and a week. Before lunch, I was sitting in my office and noticed tiny bright spots in my periphery flying around. For a minute I thought I was hallucinating, seeing tiny white bugs everywhere.
Saturday, May 10th
My good friends here in Grand Forks threw me an adorable baby shower. At this point my body was so swollen, I had to find something to wear that was long enough to cover my legs, feet, and even my fat little toes! I sent a picture of my ankle and foot, which was now more of just a huge blob, to my mom. She immediately said that that was not normal pregnancy swelling. At this point David convinced me to call the doctor. The OB on-call asked me a bunch of questions and told me to just come the emergency room to get checked out. David and I slowly meandered out the door, first cutting and eating some watermelon while joking around about my new blob of a body. On our way to the hospital I just kept saying, "I don't want to do this, they're just going to say everything is fine and send us home." We walked into the ER and seeing that I was pregnant, they tried to get me into a wheelchair. David and I laughed and explained, no, no, we're not having a baby right now, we're here for something else. We had no idea what we were in for…
They took us up to the OB floor into a small room. Before getting started, I asked how much this little "emergency visit" would cost. Anyone who knows David and I, knows that we are extraordinarily money conscious. We lived on wedding gift cards for over 2 years for heavens sake, we weren't about to pay an exorbitant amount of money to be told that everything was fine! The nurse, Jan, was nice enough to call down to billing and figure out if it was considered and ER visit. Seriously, what is wrong with us? While in the room, just David and I, we were joking around and David even sent pictures to my family saying, "we're having a baby today!" By the time the nurse came back in, we had come to our senses and decided that our baby's health was more important than saving money, and we decided to go forward with being admitted and checked out.
Jan put the blood pressure cuff on my arm and it began to fill. I had never in my life seen a BP number for myself read anything but low, so I was completely calm. Then a devastatingly high number read out from the blood pressure machine. David's mouth literally fell open and he looked at me and very… enthusiastically said "LAUREN?!"At that point the nurse frantically called in the doctor who explained that blood work needed to be taken immediately to see what else was going on. A little startled, we waited for the labs to come back. The doctor came in as soon as the labs came back and explained that I had HELLP syndrome. HELLP syndrome is a life-threatening obstetric condition. HELLP stands for: H- hemolysis (breakdown of red blood cells), EL- elevated liver enzymes, LP- low platelet count. Basically, my red blood cells were killing themselves, and my liver function was declining rapidly. Not to mention, with a low platelet count, my blood could not clot properly and I could have internal bleeding. That being said, it became imperative the the baby be delivered as soon as possible for the baby's health and mine.
We were moved to a labor and delivery room, even though I wasn't even dilated to a 1. Saturday evening they began to try to induce labor by ripening my cervix. Multiple doctors came in and explained to me that because my condition was so severe, if labor didn't progress rapidly enough, a C-section would have to be performed before a blood transfusion, or other interventions would be medically necessary to prevent the syndrome from being fatal. Throughout the night they continued to give me medication to dilate my cervix. I had contractions all night, and by the morning I was dilated only to a 2. The doctor came in and said that he needed to break my water to hopefully make things progress faster. After a completely sleepless night, they started me on Pitocin to try and get the baby to deliver as soon as possible. They also started me on an extremely high dose of intravenous Magnesium Sulfate, which is the absolute worse. yuck. My HELLP syndrome had caused the doctors to become very concerned that a seizure could soon occur, which would be extremely harmful to me and the baby. Magnesium Sulfate is used to prevent seizures as it completely depresses the central nervous system. What it really does is it makes you feel disgustingly miserable. My muscles turned to jello, I couldn't walk, talk, or even hold up my own head. My vision was blurred, and my head has never throbbed so painfully in my life. All this while it caused my skin to burn with heat. Oh yeah, and while all this was going on, I was having the most excruciating tetanic contractions. One more thing, because my platelets had dropped to such a dangerous low, it wasn't safe for me to be on any medication. NONE. I couldn't have an epidural, I couldn't even have ibuprofen!
By 3pm I was at my breaking point. I never screamed, I never yelled, probably because of the Mag, but I was totally done. They asked me what my pain was on a scale of 1-10. What a joke of a question. I answered 9 because although it was almost a 10, in my mind a 10 would be the point where I passed out and died. When the doctor came in I had David ask how bad my liver had to fail, and my platelets had to drop before they just did a C-section. I had been in labor for over 24 hours, so a new doctor was on-call. He explained that if my baby was taken out via C-section, being that he was only 35 weeks, his chances of surviving and thriving would be significantly lower. Basically they were trying to find a balance between my life, and the survival of the baby. At that point I knew I just needed to suffer through for my baby. I clenched the side of my bed and completely silently suffered through the worst pain of my life. I should mention that I have never loved David as much as I did during that awful labor. He would whisper how much he loved me as he sat there and held my hand watching me writhe in pain. They checked my cervix at 3:30pm and I was only dilated to a 3. I remember how my tears felt cold as they rolled down my flushed skin when they told me that.
The doctor decided that if by 6pm I had not dilated significantly more, I would need a C-section. What an awful thought, all of the pain I had already struggled through would be for no reason at all. My contractions were so intense, I cannot even put it into words, so I won't even try. Even the memory of them makes me cringe still now. I have never felt pain of that magnitude and never will again. A little before 5pm I whispered to David that I felt I needed to push, he looked confused but relayed the message to the nurse. When they checked, the resident doctor was surprised to say that contractions must have been so forceful that I was fully dilated and the baby was ready to come. Following suit with everything else in this story, they could not find or get ahold of the doctor on-call to deliver the baby. For over 20 minutes, the nurses were coaching me on how to keep the baby inside, and resist the urge to push so they could find the doctor to deliver the baby. It was ridiculous. I had done a lot of reading during my pregnancy, and I can say that I never read about techniques for keeping the baby in during labor! When the doctor finally arrived, I began to push. In my memory, the pushing phase took a long time, but David insists that it was less than 15 minutes. Without getting too graphic, I will just say that anyone who says that the pushing was the best part of the labor must have been on an epidural, or is just plain crazy. The ring of fire is real.
Finally, the doctor pulled his tiny body out and laid him on my chest. He was completely limp and not crying. His limbs had no tone, his body was totally flaccid from the Magnesium Sulfate. The Neonatologist quickly swooped him up and explained that he needed to be treated right away. Looking back, I know I was dangerously sick at this point because I didn't even react to this awful news. I looked at David's face and I could tell he was torn. He could leave his sick, barely conscious wife, or could abandon his brand new struggling son. I think he asked me what to do, but I'm sure I whispered go with the baby. The next few hours I don't remember at all. I know my eyes were open because I have a memory of people taking my blood, asking me questions, checking my reflexes, etc. But the memory is in slow motion, and when I think about it it is like looking through a foggy window.
The cure to HELLP syndrome is typically to deliver the baby and the placenta. Usually after that the mother's body can begin to recover. I remember them asking me my pain on a scale of 1-10 and I simply said that I couldn't even tell because I was just so relieved to not be having any more contractions. Compared to the past 24 hours, nothing seemed painful. David had finally returned to my room and explained that they had hooked the baby up to the CPAP machine to help open his premature lungs. I looked over at him and we smiled at each other. I remember saying something along the lines of the worst is over, now let's name our baby. Unfortunately the worst wasn't quite over, we still had some more struggling in store. But we gratefully held hands and both decided to name our baby Dru, which is mine and my mom's middle names. I suggested Dru David, David looked surprised and said, but will he like to have my name? Sweet, sweet, humble David. Duh! Don't all little boys want to be like their Dad? So there it was, Dru David Parker, born at 5:17 pm weighing 4lbs. 15.9oz.
I was still on the Magnesium and my body had still not recovered, but David picked me up and put me in a wheelchair, with tons of pillows to help me hold up my head to go see my baby. He was so beautiful. So perfect. I held him in my arms and tears just fell from my eyes as I looked at his face and kissed his tiny hands. I have never felt that kind of love before, so sweet and pure. It was devastating, but I wasn't strong enough to hold him for more than a couple minutes.
They wheeled me back to my room. Normally at this point they would transfer patients to a recovery room, but my recovery hadn't quite started since I was still on the Magnesium. The doctor came in and explained that they would keep me on the Magnesium for another 24 hours. Before he left, he said that he never had seen someone handle being so sick, in so much pain, on so much Mag, while being induced on pitocin, handle labor so beautifully. Every nurse that had been involved came in at one time or another to tell me how impressed they were. Sheesh, too bad I will never have another baby because I've got a real knack for the whole labor thing! David and I tried to rest that night; however, on the Magnesium I had to be assessed every half hour and have blood drawn every 2 hours. So for the second night, I didn't sleep at all, but I was just grateful to lay there and not have any contractions. I started pumping right away so that my baby could be fed breast milk, instead of formula, through his feeding tube.
Monday, May 12th
Being on Magnesium for over 36 hours at this point, my memory of Monday is basically nonexistent. David had his last week of class before finals, so he hesitantly left me for class that morning. Every half hour they poked and prodded me, and every 2 hours blood was drawn. When 5pm came around I was so relieved to be taken of the Magnesium. By 7pm I still wasn't feeling much better, so I asked the nurse when the Magnesium would be out of my system. She explained that my body was still extremely sick from the HELLP syndrome and I shouldn't expect to feel better right away. Not too encouraging…
Tuesday, May 13th
David went to school again and my mom flew in at noon. I was feeling a bit better being off of the Magnesium and especially knowing my mom would soon be here. My doctor came in and said that I would be discharged. I was shocked. I explained that I was still not feeling well and that my BP was still not controlled. I asked to stay longer. He said he would "see what he could do," and I didn't hear from him again.
This was the best day of the week, my mom got to hold my sweet baby, and being off of the Magnesium made me feel so much better! My mom stayed the night in the hospital with me so David could go home and finally get a full night's rest.
Wednesday, May 14th
My blood was drawn at 6 am to check my liver, platelets, and hemoglobin. When the results came back, my doctor, the resident doctor, and fellow came in to my room and explained that the HELLP syndrome had only gotten worse. They took my blood pressure, which was a whopping 193/124. Just 24 hours earlier they were ready to kick me out of the hospital. I believe the doctor's words were, "sometimes you just get lucky," meaning it was lucky that I had asked to stay and not be discharged. Rather than my body recovering, it had continued to decline. He went on to say that I was at an extremely high risk of having a grand mal seizure, which would most likely cause permanent damage. They started me on another high dose of Magnesium Sulfate and blood pressure medication. He said I would receive the Mag for 24 hours. When they walked out of the room, tears began streaming down my cheeks. I was so disappointed and anxious about the looming pain. So beginning at 10 am a new IV was started and that awful medication was pumped through my veins.
It was so potent it burned my veins as it circulated through my system. Quickly, my skin became flushed, my muscles turned to jello and the worse throbbing headache returned again. I couldn't even see my baby because I was too weak. Blood was drawn every 2 hours, and I was assessed every half hour. Another sleepless night.
In the afternoon, the Neonatologist came into my room and explained that the newborn screening showed that Dru had an abnormal result for a metabolic disease. With so much Magnesium in my system, I couldn't even attempt to process this terrible news. My mental awareness while on Magnesium could be compared to driving 80mph, looking out the window and trying to concentrate on a piece of grass in close proximity to the road. Everything is blurred and the concentrating is exhausting. He said they would go forward with more specific testing and begin him immediately on medication for his condition.
Thursday, May 15th
I was so relieved when 6 am rolled around and my blood was drawn to check my organs. I had made it through another 24 hours on the Mag and I was excited at the thought of getting better and finally getting to hold my baby. The doctors came in before 9 am and explained that my body was still failing rather than recovering. The Mag had to stay. This time, my tears didn't even wait until the doctors left to begin falling. They said they would re-evaluate at 6 pm. An interval of time never seemed so long. My mom tickled my back and cried with me.
6 pm came, and my condition had once again gotten worse. Each time my reflexes were checked, the resident doctors and fellow would look at each other and gasp at my hyperreflexia and clonus. Come to find out, they were just waiting for me to seize at any moment.
This was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. David had been back and forth between school and the hospital during all of this as he tried his best to prepare for finals. This night when he came, I was so weak, I couldn't even look at him, or say hello. Not only could I not walk, talk, open my eyes, or even use the bathroom on my own, but I didn't get to hold or see my baby for another day. There is no feeling in the world that I have ever felt that is as awful as longing to hold my baby. I remember thinking that Dru wouldn't know my face, my smell, or even that I was his mom. It was devastating. I would sob until my little energy left was completely depleted. Every moment of the day and of the night, my body would shake. The nurses said it was a result of my syndrome and the medication, but it felt to me that it was shaking from being so overwhelmed with sadness.
Throughout this time my mom did everything for me so David could study. She fed me, washed me, held up my shaking body while I went to the bathroom at a humiliating bedside commode, and gave my baby love while I was unable to. There never was a better mom than mine.
Friday, May 16th
My veins were so destroyed and my arms and hands were so bruised from the one hundred blood draws that had been done that they had to prick my fingers and collect drops of blood one by one. The 6 am labs came back, and of course, my body was continuing to fail me. I was so angry, and I felt so betrayed by my own body. I ran at least 3 miles everyday of my pregnancy, never ate fast or fatty food, and never took any medications not even Tylenol. Yet, my body just would not recover. It was at this point that I honestly wondered if Dru would ever know his mom. My body was failing, and I felt it. My body was so limp and weak, I couldn't even have said goodbye to my baby if I wanted to. I felt totally heartbroken, and helpless. I said a prayer in a way I had never prayed before. Rather than asking Heavenly Father to remove the suffering and sickness from my body, I prayed for my David and my baby, then I asked the Lord to just sit with me for a while. I silently laid in that hospital bed knowing the Savior was nearby. I didn't close my prayer, I just relaxed in the peace of knowing He was there with me, that I had him on the line. I felt that the Lord had sent this baby to earth straight from heaven, just for me. He chose me to be his mom, and I would get to be just that, the mom of the most special little spirit. Then I rested.
I woke up to having my blood dripped out of me again. My mom then told me that my dad was on his way! He flew in his airplane to North Dakota to be with me and to meet my baby. There is something about a hug from your Dad that makes everything seem like it's going to get better. Soon thereafter, the lab results came back and every single level had improved. By 3 pm I was off of the Magnesium and felt for the first time that recovery was in my future. They wheeled me down to the NICU, and while I was still too weak to hold Dru, I got to watch my Dad meet and hold my sweet baby for the first time. My body may have been decrepit and weak, but my spirit felt so happy to watch and feel so much love.
Saturday, May 17th
David studied most of the day for his finals which were the coming Monday-Wednesday. I was feeling much better, still weak, but being off the Magnesium was such a relief!
Sunday, May 18th
I was discharged from the hospital. It was bittersweet to get to finally be outside and feel the sun on my skin, but have to leave my baby in the NICU.
Monday, May 19th
My mom and I went back and forth from home to the hospital every 1 or 2 hours for Dru's feedings. He was just so small that sucking and swallowing would wear him out before he got enough milk in his belly. He had a feeding tube to make up for what he didn't get from the bottle or breast. David took his final Clinical Skills examination and did great!
Tuesday, May 20th
Back and forth, back and forth to feed Dru. He was making progress, but would just get so tired before finishing. David took his 8 hour Case Exam, and only had one left!
Wednesday, May 21st
Same story, back and forth for every feeding. In the morning, David left to take his last 8 hour MCQ final. When my mom and I arrived at the hospital, the Neonatologist told us that he wanted to talk to us about Dru's test result. He handed me a paper describing an extremely rare autosomal recessive enzyme deficiency that they had confirmed Dru had. Basically he explained that he had never seen this deficiency so he was unable to provide us with any definitive answers. When David's exam was over, we went back to the Neonatologist's office so that he could describe Dru's condition to David. He gave virtually the same vague description of Dru's enzyme deficiency and told David that all he knew about it came from a scientific journal article, which he gave us to read. He said to get answers we would need to travel to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN where 1 of only 20 pediatric metabolic specialists in the nation would meet with us to explain his condition and run additional genetic and other metabolic tests.
Since then it has been a difficult waiting game. Dru needed to get stronger and learn to eat on his own so he could come home from the hospital. We have basically lived in the NICU trying to help our little boy get stronger. Since the initial diagnosis, we have found out that Dru has an additional enzyme deficiency. I cried everyday I had to leave him in the NICU. Patience has been the most difficult virtue for me to have as we wait to meet with the specialist. We just want answers. We want someone to tell us anything other than, "we just don't know, we've never seen this before". I'm ashamed to admit how many times I have cried and prayed so many times asking why this all has to be so hard for us. But there have been so many moments when I look into his sweet little face and feel so overwhelmingly that Heavenly Father loves this little boy more than I can even comprehend. He has a plan for him and a plan for me.
Friday, May 30th
Dru got to come home! He had taken full feedings for over 48 hours and was cleared to come home! As I buckled his tiny body into his carseat and drove away from the hospital, my eyes welled up with tears as I kissed his little hands. I was so grateful and so emotional to finally, finally take my little boy home. His eyes were wide-open as he took in the world for the first time. It was so sweet to hold his hands and know that I never had to leave him again.
We literally did not get one minute of sleep because we would flip on the lights and check on him when he made any grunt or squeak. But I loved every minute of that sleepless night. I got to cuddle my baby for as long as I wanted. For the first time he was all mine.
We leave for the Mayo Clinic on Wednesday. We are nervous, but so excited to finally get some answers. My mom sent me this talk by President Thomas S. Monson which I feel was written specifically for me, right now. I will end this crazy roller coaster of a story on this note:
Sunday, May 4th
34 weeks, 4 days pregnant. Last belly picture, taken 1 week before Dru was born.
Monday, May 5th
I left work early for a doctor's appointment, which lasted only 10 minutes. My blood pressure was 113/74, and everything in my pregnancy was going smoothly. After the appointment David and I went to the gym, I ran my usual 3 miles and was feeling great.
Friday, May 9th
Totally out of the blue my legs, ankles, feet, arms, hands, and face were all completely swollen. Even the day before I had absolutely no swelling.
I had always heard that swelling was normal during pregnancy, so being that I was 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I figured I should just be grateful I only had to deal with it for a month and a week. Before lunch, I was sitting in my office and noticed tiny bright spots in my periphery flying around. For a minute I thought I was hallucinating, seeing tiny white bugs everywhere.
My good friends here in Grand Forks threw me an adorable baby shower. At this point my body was so swollen, I had to find something to wear that was long enough to cover my legs, feet, and even my fat little toes! I sent a picture of my ankle and foot, which was now more of just a huge blob, to my mom. She immediately said that that was not normal pregnancy swelling. At this point David convinced me to call the doctor. The OB on-call asked me a bunch of questions and told me to just come the emergency room to get checked out. David and I slowly meandered out the door, first cutting and eating some watermelon while joking around about my new blob of a body. On our way to the hospital I just kept saying, "I don't want to do this, they're just going to say everything is fine and send us home." We walked into the ER and seeing that I was pregnant, they tried to get me into a wheelchair. David and I laughed and explained, no, no, we're not having a baby right now, we're here for something else. We had no idea what we were in for…
They took us up to the OB floor into a small room. Before getting started, I asked how much this little "emergency visit" would cost. Anyone who knows David and I, knows that we are extraordinarily money conscious. We lived on wedding gift cards for over 2 years for heavens sake, we weren't about to pay an exorbitant amount of money to be told that everything was fine! The nurse, Jan, was nice enough to call down to billing and figure out if it was considered and ER visit. Seriously, what is wrong with us? While in the room, just David and I, we were joking around and David even sent pictures to my family saying, "we're having a baby today!" By the time the nurse came back in, we had come to our senses and decided that our baby's health was more important than saving money, and we decided to go forward with being admitted and checked out.
Jan put the blood pressure cuff on my arm and it began to fill. I had never in my life seen a BP number for myself read anything but low, so I was completely calm. Then a devastatingly high number read out from the blood pressure machine. David's mouth literally fell open and he looked at me and very… enthusiastically said "LAUREN?!"At that point the nurse frantically called in the doctor who explained that blood work needed to be taken immediately to see what else was going on. A little startled, we waited for the labs to come back. The doctor came in as soon as the labs came back and explained that I had HELLP syndrome. HELLP syndrome is a life-threatening obstetric condition. HELLP stands for: H- hemolysis (breakdown of red blood cells), EL- elevated liver enzymes, LP- low platelet count. Basically, my red blood cells were killing themselves, and my liver function was declining rapidly. Not to mention, with a low platelet count, my blood could not clot properly and I could have internal bleeding. That being said, it became imperative the the baby be delivered as soon as possible for the baby's health and mine.We were moved to a labor and delivery room, even though I wasn't even dilated to a 1. Saturday evening they began to try to induce labor by ripening my cervix. Multiple doctors came in and explained to me that because my condition was so severe, if labor didn't progress rapidly enough, a C-section would have to be performed before a blood transfusion, or other interventions would be medically necessary to prevent the syndrome from being fatal. Throughout the night they continued to give me medication to dilate my cervix. I had contractions all night, and by the morning I was dilated only to a 2. The doctor came in and said that he needed to break my water to hopefully make things progress faster. After a completely sleepless night, they started me on Pitocin to try and get the baby to deliver as soon as possible. They also started me on an extremely high dose of intravenous Magnesium Sulfate, which is the absolute worse. yuck. My HELLP syndrome had caused the doctors to become very concerned that a seizure could soon occur, which would be extremely harmful to me and the baby. Magnesium Sulfate is used to prevent seizures as it completely depresses the central nervous system. What it really does is it makes you feel disgustingly miserable. My muscles turned to jello, I couldn't walk, talk, or even hold up my own head. My vision was blurred, and my head has never throbbed so painfully in my life. All this while it caused my skin to burn with heat. Oh yeah, and while all this was going on, I was having the most excruciating tetanic contractions. One more thing, because my platelets had dropped to such a dangerous low, it wasn't safe for me to be on any medication. NONE. I couldn't have an epidural, I couldn't even have ibuprofen!
By 3pm I was at my breaking point. I never screamed, I never yelled, probably because of the Mag, but I was totally done. They asked me what my pain was on a scale of 1-10. What a joke of a question. I answered 9 because although it was almost a 10, in my mind a 10 would be the point where I passed out and died. When the doctor came in I had David ask how bad my liver had to fail, and my platelets had to drop before they just did a C-section. I had been in labor for over 24 hours, so a new doctor was on-call. He explained that if my baby was taken out via C-section, being that he was only 35 weeks, his chances of surviving and thriving would be significantly lower. Basically they were trying to find a balance between my life, and the survival of the baby. At that point I knew I just needed to suffer through for my baby. I clenched the side of my bed and completely silently suffered through the worst pain of my life. I should mention that I have never loved David as much as I did during that awful labor. He would whisper how much he loved me as he sat there and held my hand watching me writhe in pain. They checked my cervix at 3:30pm and I was only dilated to a 3. I remember how my tears felt cold as they rolled down my flushed skin when they told me that.
The doctor decided that if by 6pm I had not dilated significantly more, I would need a C-section. What an awful thought, all of the pain I had already struggled through would be for no reason at all. My contractions were so intense, I cannot even put it into words, so I won't even try. Even the memory of them makes me cringe still now. I have never felt pain of that magnitude and never will again. A little before 5pm I whispered to David that I felt I needed to push, he looked confused but relayed the message to the nurse. When they checked, the resident doctor was surprised to say that contractions must have been so forceful that I was fully dilated and the baby was ready to come. Following suit with everything else in this story, they could not find or get ahold of the doctor on-call to deliver the baby. For over 20 minutes, the nurses were coaching me on how to keep the baby inside, and resist the urge to push so they could find the doctor to deliver the baby. It was ridiculous. I had done a lot of reading during my pregnancy, and I can say that I never read about techniques for keeping the baby in during labor! When the doctor finally arrived, I began to push. In my memory, the pushing phase took a long time, but David insists that it was less than 15 minutes. Without getting too graphic, I will just say that anyone who says that the pushing was the best part of the labor must have been on an epidural, or is just plain crazy. The ring of fire is real.
Finally, the doctor pulled his tiny body out and laid him on my chest. He was completely limp and not crying. His limbs had no tone, his body was totally flaccid from the Magnesium Sulfate. The Neonatologist quickly swooped him up and explained that he needed to be treated right away. Looking back, I know I was dangerously sick at this point because I didn't even react to this awful news. I looked at David's face and I could tell he was torn. He could leave his sick, barely conscious wife, or could abandon his brand new struggling son. I think he asked me what to do, but I'm sure I whispered go with the baby. The next few hours I don't remember at all. I know my eyes were open because I have a memory of people taking my blood, asking me questions, checking my reflexes, etc. But the memory is in slow motion, and when I think about it it is like looking through a foggy window.The cure to HELLP syndrome is typically to deliver the baby and the placenta. Usually after that the mother's body can begin to recover. I remember them asking me my pain on a scale of 1-10 and I simply said that I couldn't even tell because I was just so relieved to not be having any more contractions. Compared to the past 24 hours, nothing seemed painful. David had finally returned to my room and explained that they had hooked the baby up to the CPAP machine to help open his premature lungs. I looked over at him and we smiled at each other. I remember saying something along the lines of the worst is over, now let's name our baby. Unfortunately the worst wasn't quite over, we still had some more struggling in store. But we gratefully held hands and both decided to name our baby Dru, which is mine and my mom's middle names. I suggested Dru David, David looked surprised and said, but will he like to have my name? Sweet, sweet, humble David. Duh! Don't all little boys want to be like their Dad? So there it was, Dru David Parker, born at 5:17 pm weighing 4lbs. 15.9oz.
I was still on the Magnesium and my body had still not recovered, but David picked me up and put me in a wheelchair, with tons of pillows to help me hold up my head to go see my baby. He was so beautiful. So perfect. I held him in my arms and tears just fell from my eyes as I looked at his face and kissed his tiny hands. I have never felt that kind of love before, so sweet and pure. It was devastating, but I wasn't strong enough to hold him for more than a couple minutes.Monday, May 12th
Being on Magnesium for over 36 hours at this point, my memory of Monday is basically nonexistent. David had his last week of class before finals, so he hesitantly left me for class that morning. Every half hour they poked and prodded me, and every 2 hours blood was drawn. When 5pm came around I was so relieved to be taken of the Magnesium. By 7pm I still wasn't feeling much better, so I asked the nurse when the Magnesium would be out of my system. She explained that my body was still extremely sick from the HELLP syndrome and I shouldn't expect to feel better right away. Not too encouraging…
Tuesday, May 13th
David went to school again and my mom flew in at noon. I was feeling a bit better being off of the Magnesium and especially knowing my mom would soon be here. My doctor came in and said that I would be discharged. I was shocked. I explained that I was still not feeling well and that my BP was still not controlled. I asked to stay longer. He said he would "see what he could do," and I didn't hear from him again.
Wednesday, May 14th
My blood was drawn at 6 am to check my liver, platelets, and hemoglobin. When the results came back, my doctor, the resident doctor, and fellow came in to my room and explained that the HELLP syndrome had only gotten worse. They took my blood pressure, which was a whopping 193/124. Just 24 hours earlier they were ready to kick me out of the hospital. I believe the doctor's words were, "sometimes you just get lucky," meaning it was lucky that I had asked to stay and not be discharged. Rather than my body recovering, it had continued to decline. He went on to say that I was at an extremely high risk of having a grand mal seizure, which would most likely cause permanent damage. They started me on another high dose of Magnesium Sulfate and blood pressure medication. He said I would receive the Mag for 24 hours. When they walked out of the room, tears began streaming down my cheeks. I was so disappointed and anxious about the looming pain. So beginning at 10 am a new IV was started and that awful medication was pumped through my veins.
It was so potent it burned my veins as it circulated through my system. Quickly, my skin became flushed, my muscles turned to jello and the worse throbbing headache returned again. I couldn't even see my baby because I was too weak. Blood was drawn every 2 hours, and I was assessed every half hour. Another sleepless night.
In the afternoon, the Neonatologist came into my room and explained that the newborn screening showed that Dru had an abnormal result for a metabolic disease. With so much Magnesium in my system, I couldn't even attempt to process this terrible news. My mental awareness while on Magnesium could be compared to driving 80mph, looking out the window and trying to concentrate on a piece of grass in close proximity to the road. Everything is blurred and the concentrating is exhausting. He said they would go forward with more specific testing and begin him immediately on medication for his condition.
Thursday, May 15th
I was so relieved when 6 am rolled around and my blood was drawn to check my organs. I had made it through another 24 hours on the Mag and I was excited at the thought of getting better and finally getting to hold my baby. The doctors came in before 9 am and explained that my body was still failing rather than recovering. The Mag had to stay. This time, my tears didn't even wait until the doctors left to begin falling. They said they would re-evaluate at 6 pm. An interval of time never seemed so long. My mom tickled my back and cried with me.
6 pm came, and my condition had once again gotten worse. Each time my reflexes were checked, the resident doctors and fellow would look at each other and gasp at my hyperreflexia and clonus. Come to find out, they were just waiting for me to seize at any moment.
This was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. David had been back and forth between school and the hospital during all of this as he tried his best to prepare for finals. This night when he came, I was so weak, I couldn't even look at him, or say hello. Not only could I not walk, talk, open my eyes, or even use the bathroom on my own, but I didn't get to hold or see my baby for another day. There is no feeling in the world that I have ever felt that is as awful as longing to hold my baby. I remember thinking that Dru wouldn't know my face, my smell, or even that I was his mom. It was devastating. I would sob until my little energy left was completely depleted. Every moment of the day and of the night, my body would shake. The nurses said it was a result of my syndrome and the medication, but it felt to me that it was shaking from being so overwhelmed with sadness.
Throughout this time my mom did everything for me so David could study. She fed me, washed me, held up my shaking body while I went to the bathroom at a humiliating bedside commode, and gave my baby love while I was unable to. There never was a better mom than mine.
Friday, May 16th
My veins were so destroyed and my arms and hands were so bruised from the one hundred blood draws that had been done that they had to prick my fingers and collect drops of blood one by one. The 6 am labs came back, and of course, my body was continuing to fail me. I was so angry, and I felt so betrayed by my own body. I ran at least 3 miles everyday of my pregnancy, never ate fast or fatty food, and never took any medications not even Tylenol. Yet, my body just would not recover. It was at this point that I honestly wondered if Dru would ever know his mom. My body was failing, and I felt it. My body was so limp and weak, I couldn't even have said goodbye to my baby if I wanted to. I felt totally heartbroken, and helpless. I said a prayer in a way I had never prayed before. Rather than asking Heavenly Father to remove the suffering and sickness from my body, I prayed for my David and my baby, then I asked the Lord to just sit with me for a while. I silently laid in that hospital bed knowing the Savior was nearby. I didn't close my prayer, I just relaxed in the peace of knowing He was there with me, that I had him on the line. I felt that the Lord had sent this baby to earth straight from heaven, just for me. He chose me to be his mom, and I would get to be just that, the mom of the most special little spirit. Then I rested.
I woke up to having my blood dripped out of me again. My mom then told me that my dad was on his way! He flew in his airplane to North Dakota to be with me and to meet my baby. There is something about a hug from your Dad that makes everything seem like it's going to get better. Soon thereafter, the lab results came back and every single level had improved. By 3 pm I was off of the Magnesium and felt for the first time that recovery was in my future. They wheeled me down to the NICU, and while I was still too weak to hold Dru, I got to watch my Dad meet and hold my sweet baby for the first time. My body may have been decrepit and weak, but my spirit felt so happy to watch and feel so much love.
Saturday, May 17th
David studied most of the day for his finals which were the coming Monday-Wednesday. I was feeling much better, still weak, but being off the Magnesium was such a relief!
Sunday, May 18th
I was discharged from the hospital. It was bittersweet to get to finally be outside and feel the sun on my skin, but have to leave my baby in the NICU.
Monday, May 19th
My mom and I went back and forth from home to the hospital every 1 or 2 hours for Dru's feedings. He was just so small that sucking and swallowing would wear him out before he got enough milk in his belly. He had a feeding tube to make up for what he didn't get from the bottle or breast. David took his final Clinical Skills examination and did great!
Tuesday, May 20th
Back and forth, back and forth to feed Dru. He was making progress, but would just get so tired before finishing. David took his 8 hour Case Exam, and only had one left!
Wednesday, May 21st
Same story, back and forth for every feeding. In the morning, David left to take his last 8 hour MCQ final. When my mom and I arrived at the hospital, the Neonatologist told us that he wanted to talk to us about Dru's test result. He handed me a paper describing an extremely rare autosomal recessive enzyme deficiency that they had confirmed Dru had. Basically he explained that he had never seen this deficiency so he was unable to provide us with any definitive answers. When David's exam was over, we went back to the Neonatologist's office so that he could describe Dru's condition to David. He gave virtually the same vague description of Dru's enzyme deficiency and told David that all he knew about it came from a scientific journal article, which he gave us to read. He said to get answers we would need to travel to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN where 1 of only 20 pediatric metabolic specialists in the nation would meet with us to explain his condition and run additional genetic and other metabolic tests.
Since then it has been a difficult waiting game. Dru needed to get stronger and learn to eat on his own so he could come home from the hospital. We have basically lived in the NICU trying to help our little boy get stronger. Since the initial diagnosis, we have found out that Dru has an additional enzyme deficiency. I cried everyday I had to leave him in the NICU. Patience has been the most difficult virtue for me to have as we wait to meet with the specialist. We just want answers. We want someone to tell us anything other than, "we just don't know, we've never seen this before". I'm ashamed to admit how many times I have cried and prayed so many times asking why this all has to be so hard for us. But there have been so many moments when I look into his sweet little face and feel so overwhelmingly that Heavenly Father loves this little boy more than I can even comprehend. He has a plan for him and a plan for me.
Friday, May 30th
Dru got to come home! He had taken full feedings for over 48 hours and was cleared to come home! As I buckled his tiny body into his carseat and drove away from the hospital, my eyes welled up with tears as I kissed his little hands. I was so grateful and so emotional to finally, finally take my little boy home. His eyes were wide-open as he took in the world for the first time. It was so sweet to hold his hands and know that I never had to leave him again.
We literally did not get one minute of sleep because we would flip on the lights and check on him when he made any grunt or squeak. But I loved every minute of that sleepless night. I got to cuddle my baby for as long as I wanted. For the first time he was all mine.
We leave for the Mayo Clinic on Wednesday. We are nervous, but so excited to finally get some answers. My mom sent me this talk by President Thomas S. Monson which I feel was written specifically for me, right now. I will end this crazy roller coaster of a story on this note:
“When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question “Why me?” At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness. We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, “Is there no balm in Gilead?” We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We become impatient for a solution to our problems, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.”
“There will be times when you will walk a path strewn with thorns and marked by struggle. There may be times when you feel detached—even isolated—from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith.”
“The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? Some do falter as they find themselves unable to rise above their challenges. To finish involves enduring to the very end of life itself.”
We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. We have the promise: “Pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good."
"As our prayers ascend heavenward, let us not forget the words taught to us by the Savior. When He faced the excruciating agony of Gethsemane and the cross, He prayed to the Father, “Not my will, but thine, be done.”5Difficult as it may at times be, it is for us, as well, to trust our Heavenly Father to know best how and when and in what manner to provide the help we seek.”
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Mini Heart
I think this whole having a baby thing is getting me a little extra mushy and has me feeling a lot of feelings. I learned something in a 24 hour period that I want to always remember.
Last week, on Wednesday, I had a job interview. The job was perfect. I would be creating and running my own in vivo experiments, performing western blots, protein assay's, and curing diseases! Not to mention the facility was to die for; gorgeous. During the interview I had a rush of excitement and felt that familiar flutter of determination as I explained my coursework, research experience, and future goals while watching their eyebrows rise with intrigue. It felt good. It felt really good. It was that feeling that everyone has felt before. If a feeling could talk this one would say: "Oh ya, I'm going to be somebody." As I drove home, I feel guilty for even saying this, but I wondered if we should have waited to have a baby until after I got to work my dream job, or until after I had my PhD, postdoc, etc.
The next day, Thursday, was our 12 week doctor's appointment. I am new to everything baby, so I knew the basics, but didn't totally know what to expect. The cold goo was smeared over my belly, and the doppler probe was moved over and back, over and back, but nothing. This went on for about 5 minutes. Then I heard it. It was a fast scratchy sounding Lub-Lub-Lub-Lub. It was my baby's heartbeat. But really it was my heartbeat. I made that tiny heart and parts of me are inside of it. If a feeling could talk this one would say, "You are really going to be somebody."
Maybe I will never achieve all of the lofty academic goals I have always clung to. Maybe I will never "be somebody" by society's standards. But I know that when I heard that mini heart pounding, I had given my baby the chance to be somebody- a person, a living breathing human being. Perhaps I already had a miniature glimpse into what being a mom will be like. In the moment I heard my baby's heartbeat, sacrificing anything of my own for my baby seemed so minimal. Its life is an extension of my own.
After all, my baby's tiny heart is made of pieces of my own.
Last week, on Wednesday, I had a job interview. The job was perfect. I would be creating and running my own in vivo experiments, performing western blots, protein assay's, and curing diseases! Not to mention the facility was to die for; gorgeous. During the interview I had a rush of excitement and felt that familiar flutter of determination as I explained my coursework, research experience, and future goals while watching their eyebrows rise with intrigue. It felt good. It felt really good. It was that feeling that everyone has felt before. If a feeling could talk this one would say: "Oh ya, I'm going to be somebody." As I drove home, I feel guilty for even saying this, but I wondered if we should have waited to have a baby until after I got to work my dream job, or until after I had my PhD, postdoc, etc.
The next day, Thursday, was our 12 week doctor's appointment. I am new to everything baby, so I knew the basics, but didn't totally know what to expect. The cold goo was smeared over my belly, and the doppler probe was moved over and back, over and back, but nothing. This went on for about 5 minutes. Then I heard it. It was a fast scratchy sounding Lub-Lub-Lub-Lub. It was my baby's heartbeat. But really it was my heartbeat. I made that tiny heart and parts of me are inside of it. If a feeling could talk this one would say, "You are really going to be somebody."
Maybe I will never achieve all of the lofty academic goals I have always clung to. Maybe I will never "be somebody" by society's standards. But I know that when I heard that mini heart pounding, I had given my baby the chance to be somebody- a person, a living breathing human being. Perhaps I already had a miniature glimpse into what being a mom will be like. In the moment I heard my baby's heartbeat, sacrificing anything of my own for my baby seemed so minimal. Its life is an extension of my own.
After all, my baby's tiny heart is made of pieces of my own.
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| I spy with my little eye... A tiny new Christmas Decoration! |
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Best. Year. Ever.
Although it's a tiny bit late, its time to pay tribute to the smartest, sweetest, funniest man in the world who I've been married to for ONE YEAR! Yikes how time flies! I have often heard that 'the first year is the hardest', if that's really the case I am in for the happiest life of that any human has ever lived!
I made this funny little video for David so we could always remember our first year. Brace yourself, it's very.... authentic.
To celebrate, we stayed in a fancy hotel called the Davenport where we ate fancy meals in ballrooms and had the BEST time feeling fancy.
It is crazy that all this was one year ago:
I LOVE you David Parker and i Always will!
Friday, June 15, 2012
A little story..
I love my family, I especially love having so many sisters. My sister Savannah is 6 years younger than me and is the cutest little lady on this continent. I have waited a couple months to post this story because I thought she might be embarrassed, but I just decided I need to have a record of it on the blog. So here is my journal entry:
Since it was our last night in town, all of us girls went out to dinner. When we were on our way back home from dinner, we stopped at the Schwartz's house to pick up the twins. While Mom and Jackie went inside, Savannah and I were waiting in the car chatting. We we wandered onto the topic of In-Laws and that conversation somehow morphed into a discussion of what it would be like if your husband didn't have a family or if they had all died. Morbid? Yes, but it was a typical sisters-can-talk-about-anything sort of a conversation. We were sort of giggling at the strange scenarios we were coming up with. Finally, our talk began to take a humorously serious tone as we started talking about how I can never even hold a grudge against David because I think about how sad I would be if he died. I said that if David died I would NEVER be able to remarry. Savannah said "you don't really know that, do you?" and I said yes I do. Even if he died tomorrow I could never remarry. Savannah said but then you couldn't have any kids and you'd be completely alone? And I said that it doesn't matter, I could never marry anyone else because I already KNOW that there is no way I could love any other person anywhere near the way I love David.
She quietly whispered "that is so romantic. It makes me want to cry". We started cracking up that our random car conversation had gotten so deep. The laughing died down a bit as a series of little tears started splurging from her eyes. "Seriously, that is so beautiful," she said sobbing and laughing. It was the cutest thing that has ever happened to me. (Although when my mom and Jackie finally came out to the car, they thought I had hurt her because she had a red face and so many tears!).i am so grateful that my family can be together forever because we are a bunch of eccentric nut cases that really do belong together. i love that even my little sisters can see the happiness and love that a temple marriage can bring.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My boyfriend.
I can't help but be sentimental today. Exactly one year ago today, I picked David up from the airport and he said "you're my girlfriend". It may seem odd that it wasn't posed as a question, but if you've read any of the "Her Side" tab, you know that it was (a little too) obvious-- it didn't even need to be a question.
i LOVE my DAVID PARKER.
In my mind I built up this fabulously perfect creature, after only spying on him in chemistry lab. I was lucky enough that the more I got to know him, the more fabulous and more perfect i realized he was. I remember chatting with my friends long before meeting David, about how it was not possible to have a super good guy, who just adores you, AND also is SUPER hot. It seemed like if you wanted a man that was super good looking, then he couldn't also be humble, kind, and fun. I thought it was a trade off. Thus all of my dates pre-David were evaluated based on a cost benefit analysis... I was sure you couldn't have it all.
The great news is: I really got to have it all.
I remember sitting on the floor of Cody Melnyk's (crazy sweet) house at lunch on a school day (before we were engaged). David and I had Ochem in two hours so we were just chatting and giggling. We skipped class. (I can't believe it either). My first skipped class at BYU all because I just couldn't get enough of him, I wanted to hear more stories about his friends, his turtle, his mom's cheesecake, anything and everything he said I just wanted to soak in everything about him. We sat on that floor for 7 and 1/2 hours. No eating, no TV, no phones, just us.
He's the best entertainment there is.
So today I am grateful for a husband who i ADORE. He puts a little tingle in my heart every time I think of him. The same tingle that I got when i was told i was his girlfriend.
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