Mini Heart

I think this whole having a baby thing is getting me a little extra mushy and has me feeling a lot of feelings. I learned something in a 24 hour period that I want to always remember.

Last week, on Wednesday, I had a job interview.  The job was perfect. I would be creating and running my own in vivo experiments, performing western blots, protein assay's, and curing diseases! Not to mention the facility was to die for; gorgeous. During the interview I had a rush of excitement and felt that familiar flutter of determination as I explained my coursework, research experience, and future goals while watching their eyebrows rise with intrigue. It felt good. It felt really good. It was that feeling that everyone has felt before. If a feeling could talk this one would say: "Oh ya, I'm going to be somebody." As I drove home, I feel guilty for even saying this, but I wondered if we should have waited to have a baby until after I got to work my dream job, or until after I had my PhD, postdoc, etc.

The next day, Thursday, was our 12 week doctor's appointment. I am new to everything baby, so I knew the basics, but didn't totally know what to expect. The cold goo was smeared over my belly, and the doppler probe was moved over and back, over and back, but nothing. This went on for about 5 minutes. Then I heard it. It was a fast scratchy sounding Lub-Lub-Lub-Lub. It was my baby's heartbeat. But really it was my heartbeat. I made that tiny heart and parts of me are inside of it. If a feeling could talk this one would say, "You are really going to be somebody."

Maybe I will never achieve all of the lofty academic goals I have always clung to. Maybe I will never "be somebody" by society's standards. But I know that when I heard that mini heart pounding, I had given my baby the chance to be somebody- a person, a living breathing human being. Perhaps I already had a miniature glimpse into what being a mom will be like. In the moment I heard my baby's heartbeat, sacrificing anything of my own for my baby seemed so minimal. Its life is an extension of my own.

After all, my baby's tiny heart is made of pieces of my own.

I spy with my little eye... A tiny new Christmas Decoration!